If "CON" is the opposite of "PRO", what is the opposite of PROGRESS?
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Should children witness childbirth?
Should
children witness childbirth?
Due to a power outage, only one paramedic
responded to The call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl, to hold a flashlight high
over her Mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.
Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.
Mommy pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor Was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and Spanked
him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr
old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.
Kathleen quickly responded, 'He shouldn't have crawled
in there in the first place........smack his ass again!'
A wise teacher sends this note to all
parents on the first day of school: "If you promise not to believe everything that your child says happens at school,
I'll promise not to believe everything he says happens at home."
...........................................
A New York lawyer went duck
hunting in eastern North Carolina. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of
a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an older man asked him what he was doing. The lawyer responded, "I shot
a duck and it fell in this field, I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied. "This is my property,
and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the
U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything!
The old farmer smiled and said,
"Apparently, you don't know how we do things here in North Carolina. We settle small disagreements like this with
the NC Three-Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the NC three-Kick Rule?"
The Farmer replied.
"Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives
up."
The New York attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the
old southerner. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked
up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to
his knees. His next too kicks caused the lawyer so much pain that he just about gave up. However, the New York lawyer summoned
every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old redneck southerner, now it's my turn."
The old North Carolina farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds
after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
"University of Oklahoma,"
he yelled back.
=====
Bill Clinton, George W. Bush and George Washington are on
a sinking ship.
As the boat sinks, George Washington heroically shouts, "Save the women!"
George
W. Bush hysterically hollers, "Screw the women!"
Bill Clinton's asks excitedly, "Do we have
time?"
XXXXXXXX
A judge was punishing three men because they
had committed a crime. Their sentence was a few years in the desert. He said that they could each take one thing with them.
The first guy decides to take an umbrella, so that he can have shade whenever he wants.
The second
guy decides to take a water bottle so that he won't get thirsty.
Finally, the third guy decides to take a
car door.
The judge asked, "Why in the world would you want to take a car door?" The man replies, "Just
in case it gets hot, I can roll down the window."
A man was sprawled across three entire
seats in a theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry sir, but you're only
allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient.
"Sir," the usher said, "if you don't get up from there, I'm
going to have to call the manager."
Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated
the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and
the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally,
they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly.
"All right,
buddy. What's your name?"
"Sam," the man moaned.
"Where ya from, Sam?" the cop asked.
"The
balcony."
Dick Cheney walks into the Oval
Office and sees The President whooping and hollering. "What's the matter,
Mr. President?" The Vice President inquired.
"Nothing at all, boss.
I just done finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time!" The President beamed.
"How
long did it take you?"
"Well, the box said '3 to 5 Years' but
I did it in a month!"
---
What not to say to the nice
teacher:
I can't read my book unless you hold my mobile phone (with the fresh video I just got from friend).
